Over the past few weeks I have had some insights (more like revelations) into my issues with my body, weight and self image. For decades I have been carrying around beliefs about myself and perpetuating them daily through my thoughts, behaviors and emotions. What I now realize is that many of these beliefs are not true at all. Totally false. For example, if I am fat than I don't deserve to take care of myself, I am not worthy. When I lose weight I can take care of myself because then I
will be worthy. Well I have lost weight, kept it off for a long time, but still didn't take care of myself OR feel worthy. (And then gained again!) There is one flaw in this equation - I never learned how to "take care of myself" because I never made it to the "worthy" place. So I have never had much practice really taking care of myself. It seems that the only way I found to care for myself was by soothing my soul through my mouth. It is time I find a new way. Fifty-four years old seems a little late to be learning this. But as the famous quote states -
better late than never!!
I read something in a book called "When Food Is Love" by Geneen Roth that really struck a cord with me.
Food and love. We begin eating because of reasons that have to do with the kind and amount of love that is in our lives or that is missing from our lives. If we haven't been loved well, recognized, understood, we arrange ourselves to fit the shape of our situations. We lower out expectations. We stop asking for what we need. We stop showing the places that hurt or need comfort. We stop expecting to be met. And we begin to rely on ourselves and only ourselves to provide sustenance, comfort, and pleasure. We begin to eat. And eat. (Or fill in the blank with your favorite addiction.)
What a viscous cycle of pain and comfort. There is something far deeper at the center. A point when the need for looking outside for love ends, and the realization that the love has to come from inside. I keep going back to something I read years ago, a sentence from The Artist's Way - Julia Cameron writes "Treating yourself like a precious object will make you strong". I would like to amend that to "Treating yourself like a precious object will heal you!" Think of the most precious thing in your life ( a partner, a child, a grandchild, your dog, cat, etc.) and think how you would treat them. I realize that if I treated anyone in my life the way I treat myself (in thoughts and behaviors) they wouldn't want to spend much time with me, and would hardly feel precious! It is time to make a change. There is no one but me that can give me what I need. There is no food, drug, shopping adventure or person that is going to fill up the space I have that needs love. There is only one place to turn and that is inside.
Now, don't think I am feeling all sad and melancholy. I'm not! I feel excited and happy. Today I know that every little thing I do to treat myself as a precious object is helping me heal. Every day I do something loving is a day that I get stronger and feel better. Each time I allow myself to experience my feelings instead of turning to food I heal a bit more. It is a process. It is not about a number on a scale, or a dress size. That is ridiculous! It is knowing that I am worthy because I am this unique, one-of-a-kind manifestation; a woman called Cindy. A mighty spiritual being having an amazing human experience! Time to stop getting trapped in my humanness and remember that I came from love and I will return to love! And that finding love in between is why I am here. How can I not be happy about that!!
In the spirit of love, Cindy
